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Apr. 9th, 2007 11:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dodontI had a heartbreaking dream.
I was the eldest of two girls whose mother earned room and board being a cleaner in a hotel owned by a middle-aged couple with three kids. We had both grown up alongside these kids so treated them like siblings and the owners like surrogate parents, although the owners were less kind to my mother as they saw her as irresponsible (she'd been involved in drugs and been generally neglectful when I was growing up, the father of my sister was just no good and out of the picture) and would have turfed her out long ago if it weren't for me and my sister. My sister was 4 and generally annoying and disobedient, and I was 14 - my mother had got pregnant at my age, so I was painfully aware that it was important for me to take care of myself or I would end up like her.
It was coming up to Christmas and the owners had put a big tree in the living room and there were lots of presents under it for their children. They were away for the evening probably out to dinner or at the movies, so my sister and I were nosing around under the tree since as yet there was nothing for us (our mother insisted she'd get something by Christmas but the fluster in her voice told me she couldn't afford it). My sister was only little so didn't understand that we were different from the owners and any misbehaviour on our part could lead to us being rendered homeless, so she'd push the boundaries and my mother would get panicked but not really be able to control her. That night she was picking up the presents and trying to open them. Both me and my mother kept telling her she shouldn't and trying to get her away from the tree but she kept asking why? they're not here, they have so many, they won't mind, why didn't they get us anything anyway? and had a massive tantrum.
And our mother just snapped, and took me and ran out. I thought she was going to leave my sister there because the owners probably would have looked after her and bought her Christmas presents and she might not even care that our mother was gone, but I sort of looked after our mother. She needed me. My sister came running after us, and my mother stopped and shouted and smacked her over and over again and finally when she walked away saying she couldn't cope anymore my sister didn't want to follow her anymore. I was hiding behind a doorway. I thought if I could get away from my sister I could go with my mother, but the two of us would be too much for her. My sister was crying, yelling, and then started to go after her. I came out of the doorway because I knew that if she pushed it my mother would hurt her, so I held her and tried to explain that our mother needed some time and then she'd be back, but we couldn't go to her just now.
And at the same time I knew we'd go back to the hotel and the owners would take us in and look after us and probably we'd be better off without her, and then maybe in ten years she'd come back and I'd be all grown up and not need her and my sister would probably not miss her anyway because she was too little and didn't understand what she'd been through to raise us. I could see this future before us without our mother, and missed her so much, but didn't want her to come back because I knew we'd both be better off.
I woke up with heartburn. And I think I've been clenching my teeth in my sleep, every time I chew I get a shooting pain in my temple.
I was the eldest of two girls whose mother earned room and board being a cleaner in a hotel owned by a middle-aged couple with three kids. We had both grown up alongside these kids so treated them like siblings and the owners like surrogate parents, although the owners were less kind to my mother as they saw her as irresponsible (she'd been involved in drugs and been generally neglectful when I was growing up, the father of my sister was just no good and out of the picture) and would have turfed her out long ago if it weren't for me and my sister. My sister was 4 and generally annoying and disobedient, and I was 14 - my mother had got pregnant at my age, so I was painfully aware that it was important for me to take care of myself or I would end up like her.
It was coming up to Christmas and the owners had put a big tree in the living room and there were lots of presents under it for their children. They were away for the evening probably out to dinner or at the movies, so my sister and I were nosing around under the tree since as yet there was nothing for us (our mother insisted she'd get something by Christmas but the fluster in her voice told me she couldn't afford it). My sister was only little so didn't understand that we were different from the owners and any misbehaviour on our part could lead to us being rendered homeless, so she'd push the boundaries and my mother would get panicked but not really be able to control her. That night she was picking up the presents and trying to open them. Both me and my mother kept telling her she shouldn't and trying to get her away from the tree but she kept asking why? they're not here, they have so many, they won't mind, why didn't they get us anything anyway? and had a massive tantrum.
And our mother just snapped, and took me and ran out. I thought she was going to leave my sister there because the owners probably would have looked after her and bought her Christmas presents and she might not even care that our mother was gone, but I sort of looked after our mother. She needed me. My sister came running after us, and my mother stopped and shouted and smacked her over and over again and finally when she walked away saying she couldn't cope anymore my sister didn't want to follow her anymore. I was hiding behind a doorway. I thought if I could get away from my sister I could go with my mother, but the two of us would be too much for her. My sister was crying, yelling, and then started to go after her. I came out of the doorway because I knew that if she pushed it my mother would hurt her, so I held her and tried to explain that our mother needed some time and then she'd be back, but we couldn't go to her just now.
And at the same time I knew we'd go back to the hotel and the owners would take us in and look after us and probably we'd be better off without her, and then maybe in ten years she'd come back and I'd be all grown up and not need her and my sister would probably not miss her anyway because she was too little and didn't understand what she'd been through to raise us. I could see this future before us without our mother, and missed her so much, but didn't want her to come back because I knew we'd both be better off.
I woke up with heartburn. And I think I've been clenching my teeth in my sleep, every time I chew I get a shooting pain in my temple.
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no subject
Date: 2007-04-09 11:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-09 11:35 am (UTC)