(no subject)

I was up 'til 3am last night reading about drainage systems in Tokyo so I'd be all ready for my group meeting today. And guess how many of us have turned up.

That'll just be me then.

I'm making an awesome presentation, though.

Actually, someone else did turn up in the end. But by then I'd done so much of the presentation that I have nothing else to do, the rest is up to them.

(no subject)

I'm not really a bitch, you know. There are so many people who (I've discovered) believe I hate them. The truth is, I don't see that much difference between the greatest asshole who ever lived and Mr. Ghandi. Maybe that's because I don't see the point. Of living, that is. It seems like there's some kind of biological imperative, which is something I've had to quantify *many* times, that drives so many others, and so it's even more baffling to me that I don't feel the need to spread my genetic identity. I don't want to see a baby that has my eyes, and that's not through any self-deprecation. Simply, what's the point? Tef inspired me with the idea that the 'purpose' is to spread information, whether genetic or more external. But it seems like my biological imperative is to spread my legacy via the nature via the nurture via the nature. I don't like things to be simple. But now that I identify that, the inclination is to change my entire strategy. If I know what I'm doing, what's the point in doing it? Maybe I don't want a point, because that leads to aspirations begetting judgments begetting self-loathing begetting self-forgiveness (because I forgive others but am not so different so can't logically except myself) begetting apathy.

Emotion only has the value that we choose to give it, as do our own. The trade-off (e.g. choices on things that hurt others v things that hurt us) depends on those values. I don't always agree with how you value things, but I'm actually glad of that. Everything would be very boring without people in disagreement. How would I be able to fulfill my biological imperative if everyone was already signed up? But my values are also connected to my aspirations of myself, so that difference leads to judgment. Choices that I would not make lead to judgment. That doesn't make them wrong. Maybe I live to believe others are wrong.

The other truth is that I've been drinking a lot of wine and am wearing a burgundy beret and pyjamas.